The BEAV Scale
Part aesthetic, and part life philosophy, BEAV is a concept cooked up by Chas and Amanda during one of their excursions to the local antique mall. This criteria may be utilized to determine everything from “Will I hang this on the wall in my bathroom?” to “Will this person be a lifelong friend?” or “What should people wear to my wedding?”
BEAV stands for the following:
These criteria make up the BEAV Scale. To achieve a “top score,” an object, image, or event must fulfill all four of the criteria.
Let’s take a look at some examples.
Here, a well-dressed Victorian lady is out for a jaunt in the countryside. She is demurely riding sidesaddle while wearing a rather fetching hat, a pressed overcoat with brocade lapels, and shiny patent leather shoes. She definitely fulfills the “elegant” and “vintage” criteria in this period photograph.
If the woman had been on a horse, this image may have stopped there, therefore scoring a 2 on the BEAV Scale. Since she is instead astride a rather careworn ostrich, an uncommon and rather impractical beast of burden, this photo now gets elevated to a 4 on the BEAV Scale, as it also meets the “bizarre” and “asinine” requirements.
But not everything has to rank as highly as Florence and her Animal Machine over there. More often, things may only rank a two or three, such as the example of Clawdette the Maine lobster below, whose bizarre extra claws win her only a 1 on the BEAV scale—though some might argue for an asinine as well.
Now, Amanda and Chas have not filled their abode with BEAV Scale 4s, nor do they intend for their wedding to be filled with ostrich rides and paintings of John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn on black velvet, but the decor, apparel, and proceedings will individually rank somewhere on the BEAV scale, ranging from 1s and 2s, to some 3s, and a few choice 4s, with the intent of bringing the entire shindig up to that elusive 4.
So if you are wondering what was up with those Save the Date postcards (a BEAV 4), or why there is a cheap wooden bowl on the gift registry (for those of you who watch SNL reruns, a BEAV 3), or are worried about Amanda’s wedding dress (only a BEAV 2) wonder no more, it is all just a well-orchestrated show in which you can choose your level of participatory beaviness!
For clothing, Chas and Amanda suggest keeping it to an elegant and vintage BEAV 2, perhaps elevating to a BEAV 3 with small touches of the bizarre or asinine. Suggestions include a nice blue or gray summer suit with a top hat, a fine linen pantsuit and fascinator you might wear to dine outdoors at a small bistro, or a blue cotton summer dress perfect for playing croquet with a flamingo whilst conversing with the Queen of Hearts.
And if you are curious about wedding colors, here’s an approximation of the palette, inspired by quilt fabrics.