In the spirit of a bit of fun, we’ve paired up our wedding party with various birds and other flighted beasts we’ve recently discovered and named, so that our loyal subjects may study and enjoy them under a common designator. As supreme leaders of our republic, naming species is a never-ending, but essential task in building a collective nationhood, so we hope you learn about this, our grand world, as you observe the primary players to stride across our nuptial stage!
Warning: The following contains some profanity, but since obscenities in the English language were mostly the result of discrimination and oppression of the Anglo-Saxons by the Norman invaders in 1066 AD, Chamandia feels that it is its civic duty to fight prejudice on every front.
Bride and Groom
Bride – Amanda Martin
Likes: Monsters, crafting, Little Red Riding Hood, horses, irises, cheesy cheesy yum-yum bites, dentatas, being in the way, gin gimlets, lobster, dead things, saying “poig-nant,” lowercase “n,” ludgohl, the smell of rain on hot pavement
Dislikes: Powdery mildew, doing all the dusting, undead things, not being able to eat bread, smiling for customers
Augury: Beware falling branches.
Groom – Chas Hoppe
Likes: Running with bunnies, nachos, playing with his golf balls, whiskey, sinking your scrabbleship, crows, dancing erotically, giffing, pretty butterflies, Mariners, grammar, rain clouds named “Sam,” buying records & comics
Dislikes: Poetry about blue herons or cicadas, doing the dusting, the word “artisanal,” green beans, people who end e-mails with “Thoughts?”, not separating the garbage, Facebook spoilers
Augury: Free nachos.
Father of the Bride – Paul Martin
Likes: Maine, hockey, mowing the lawn, pheasant hunting, fishing, showing off his music collection, playing air guitar, French cooking, Labradors
Dislikes: Cockroaches, moss in the lawn, incompetence, greebles in the sink, eating late, gray squirrels
Augury: I don’t want to spoil the movie for ya, but this guy dies.
Mother of the Bride – Julie Martin
Likes: Tulips, the Mallard duck family that eats out of the backyard bird feeder, making soup, Star Trek, romantic literature, threatening to whack you with a wooden spoon if you misbehave, Muppets
Dislikes: Horsetails (as in the plant), spicy food, Them!
Augury: Spock brow.
Father of the Groom – Bill Hoppe
Likes: Batman, trains, pilsners, Dr. Mario, maintaining .04, Apple products, sharing YouTube videos, collecting comics, Wo-Wo, playing piano, Aslan, beer, cats
Disklikes: Giving up control of the dinner music, people who don’t hyphenate Spider-man, crabs
Augury: Gotham needs me.
Mother of the Groom – Kris Hoppe
Likes: Czech Republic, interior design, gardening, a good Bordeaux, Winnie the Pooh, board games, helping others, bridges under water
Dislikes: Not getting any help, whatever music Bill is playing, snails, disorgaization, sharpening knives
Augury: Dutch oven.
Sistre of the Groom – Noelle Hoppe
Likes: Antebellum history, dynamic female characters, Peepop and Nibbly, WoW, Armageddon, Jem and the Holograms, the letter W, using her superior strength to force lesser mortals into submission
Dislikes: Walking softly, giant mosquitos, being told what to do, missing putts, oppressive autocratic regimes
Augury: Appear in National Enquirer.
Flower Girl & Ring Bearer
Friend of the Bride and Groom – Mira Adams
Likes: Art, animals, science, rocks, reading, traveling with her parents
Dislikes: Not having a plan for how she’s to lead the ring bearer
Augury: One-eyed octopus drawings.
Toby – Friend of the Bride
Likes: Hay, grass, oats, carrots, apples, kids, a sunny day
Dislikes: Flies, being surprised, being chased by his bigger neighbors
Sister of the Bride – Nicole Martin
Likes: Sound engineering, whiskey, tattoos, art that no one else has heard of, hanging out in the woods playing with puppets and eating latkas, Angela Carter, fat dragons, piano, talking loudly on the phone about her problems
Dislikes: Getting pummeled in the chest by her sister, social injustice, people who don’t like circuses, retail
Augury: Time warp (again).
Friend of the Bride – Anna Wolff
Likes: Yoga, local vegetables, corrupting the youth, independent films, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, dry martinis, travel, Tolkien, bumming cigarettes
Dislikes: Plagiarism, dairy, not having enough hours in the day, being a five-ounce bird trying to carry a one-pound coconut, people who don’t like Hot Fuzz
Augury: Winter is coming.
Friend of the Bride – Shelley Tuttle
Likes: Chickens, dogs, sheep, small pigs, craft beer, family heirlooms, being competent, bats and peaches china pattern, drinking Czech pilsner in the motherland
Dislikes: Eating meat, 1970s bathroom design, watering the flowers, gray hairs, doing her own makeup, chaos
Augury: There will be eggs.
Sistre of the Groom – Katherine Hoppe
Likes: Star Wars, Totoro, animals, drawing anime characters, cosplay, video games, bro priority, giving away the surprise
Dislikes: Gender prejudices, being unhealthy, debt, pastels, getting her lights punched out, eating vegetables
Augury: Cards against humanity.
Sistre of the Groom – Sara Hoppe
Likes: Crossfit, eating healthy, Robin, burritos, Snapchat filters, Bernarding, emergency sausage
Dislikes: Fake IDs, injustice, evil roommates, Gary, ghosts
Augury: Awkward home videos.
Friend of the Groom – Hugh Engelhoff
Likes: Not letting anyone get any work done, Coldplay, #2 with a Coke, guns, mountaineering, motorcycles, protein overdoses leading to fumigating his friends
Dislikes: Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be sure to let you know.
Augury: You look like shit today.
Friend of the Groom – Ryan Couture
Likes: Windows Vegas-style Solitaire, aggressive toe pinching, November spring breaks, stroganoff, designated drinking, fresh packs of gum, pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment
Dislikes: Greedo shooting first, La Fors, ain’t having no ice cream, Napster getting shut down
Augury: Sharknado returns.
Friend of the Groom – Chris Williams
Likes: Narwhals, kickety stick, messing with his kids, guitar, inventing famous inventors, extreme monkey torture
Dislikes: Sideways houses, doing the dishes, rooms covered in Post-Its, people who confuse pandas and bamboo for koalas and eucalyptus
Augury: Rectum? Damn near killed him!
Friend of the Groom – Josh Browning
Likes: Boobies, the Flash, classic cars, DIY, Affleck in Phantoms, John Cusack, breaking clubs
Dislikes: 7-irons, that damned Loch Ness Monster, McCoys, unpacking, losing Flash balls off the third tee, Monty Phyhon, people who confuse “and” with “as well as,” Steve
Augury: I quit.
Friend of the Groom – Jake Frye
Likes: Fucking the system.
Dislikes: The system.
Friend of the Groom – Jake Wagner
Likes: That one dance move he’s good at, live music, Guns N’ Roses, spying on Chamandia’s Netflix account, bears
Dislikes: Other vicious qunts, bad tippers, doing yard work
Augury: Wake up on the porch.
Friend of the Bride and Groom – Nicolas Potter
Likes: Buying drivers, long meandering emails, trivia, soccer, softball, hypothetical scenarios, ball-greediness, dunkaroos
Dislikes: Liking movies other people like, being a 21-and-under chick magnet, losing
Augury: Weeelllll . . .
Friend of the Bride and Groom – Trevor Tomlinson
Likes: Cooking, travel, tattoos, lounge music, holding doors open for people, older women, Volvos, soccer
Dislikes: Lease agreements, banks, kids these days
Augury: Charcuterie platters.