These, Our Loyal Allies

In the spirit of a bit of fun, we’ve paired up our wedding party with various birds and other flighted beasts we’ve recently discovered and named, so that our loyal subjects may study and enjoy them under a common designator. As supreme leaders of our republic, naming species is a never-ending, but essential task in building a collective nationhood, so we hope you learn about this, our grand world, as you observe the primary players to stride across our nuptial stage!

Warning: The following contains some profanity, but since obscenities in the English language were mostly the result of discrimination and oppression of the Anglo-Saxons by the Norman invaders in 1066 AD, Chamandia feels that it is its civic duty to fight prejudice on every front.

Bride and Groom

Bride – Amanda Martin


The Beast

Likes: Monsters, crafting, Little Red Riding Hood, horses, irises, cheesy cheesy yum-yum bites, dentatas, being in the way, gin gimlets, lobster, dead things, saying “poig-nant,” lowercase “n,” ludgohl, the smell of rain on hot pavement

Dislikes: Powdery mildew, doing all the dusting, undead things, not being able to eat bread, smiling for customers

Augury: Beware falling branches.

Groom – Chas Hoppe


The Magical Randy

Likes: Running with bunnies, nachos, playing with his golf balls, whiskey, sinking your scrabbleship, crows, dancing erotically, giffing, pretty butterflies, Mariners, grammar, rain clouds named “Sam,” buying records & comics

Dislikes: Poetry about blue herons or cicadas, doing the dusting, the word “artisanal,” green beans, people who end e-mails with “Thoughts?”, not separating the garbage, Facebook spoilers

Augury: Free nachos.


Father of the Bride – Paul Martin


Shiny Necked Hope-You-Don’t-Mind-Eating-Late

Likes: Maine, hockey, mowing the lawn, pheasant hunting, fishing, showing off his music collection, playing air guitar, French cooking, Labradors

Dislikes: Cockroaches, moss in the lawn, incompetence, greebles in the sink, eating late, gray squirrels

Augury: I don’t want to spoil the movie for ya, but this guy dies.

Mother of the Bride – Julie Martin


Green Avenger

Likes: Tulips, the Mallard duck family that eats out of the backyard bird feeder, making soup, Star Trek, romantic literature, threatening to whack you with a wooden spoon if you misbehave, Muppets

Dislikes: Horsetails (as in the plant), spicy food, Them!

Augury: Spock brow.

Father of the Groom – Bill Hoppe


Squirtle on the Rocks

Likes: Batman, trains, pilsners, Dr. Mario, maintaining .04, Apple products, sharing YouTube videos, collecting comics, Wo-Wo, playing piano, Aslan, beer, cats

Disklikes: Giving up control of the dinner music, people who don’t hyphenate Spider-man, crabs

Augury: Gotham needs me.

Mother of the Groom – Kris Hoppe


Cheeky Thwamphammer

Likes: Czech Republic, interior design, gardening, a good Bordeaux, Winnie the Pooh, board games, helping others, bridges under water

Dislikes: Not getting any help, whatever music Bill is playing, snails, disorgaization, sharpening knives

Augury: Dutch oven.


Sistre of the Groom – Noelle Hoppe


Bigfoot Witch

Likes: Antebellum history, dynamic female characters, Peepop and Nibbly, WoW, Armageddon, Jem and the Holograms, the letter W, using her superior strength to force lesser mortals into submission

Dislikes: Walking softly, giant mosquitos, being told what to do, missing putts, oppressive autocratic regimes

Augury: Appear in National Enquirer.

Flower Girl & Ring Bearer

Friend of the Bride and Groom – Mira Adams



Likes: Art, animals, science, rocks, reading, traveling with her parents

Dislikes: Not having a plan for how she’s to lead the ring bearer

Augury: One-eyed octopus drawings.

Toby – Friend of the Bride

bird red and white


Likes: Hay, grass, oats, carrots, apples, kids, a sunny day

Dislikes: Flies, being surprised, being chased by his bigger neighbors

Augury: Awwwww.


Sister of the Bride – Nicole Martin


Lesser Harbinger of Desolation

Likes: Sound engineering, whiskey, tattoos, art that no one else has heard of, hanging out in the woods playing with puppets and eating latkas, Angela Carter, fat dragons, piano, talking loudly on the phone about her problems

Dislikes: Getting pummeled in the chest by her sister, social injustice, people who don’t like circuses, retail

Augury: Time warp (again).

Friend of the Bride – Anna Wolff


Herlandcanshire Night Terror

Likes: Yoga, local vegetables, corrupting the youth, independent films, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, dry martinis, travel, Tolkien, bumming cigarettes

Dislikes: Plagiarism, dairy, not having enough hours in the day, being a five-ounce bird trying to carry a one-pound coconut, people who don’t like Hot Fuzz

Augury: Winter is coming.

Friend of the Bride – Shelley Tuttle


Mrs. Fluffybottom’s Wild Ride

Likes: Chickens, dogs, sheep, small pigs, craft beer, family heirlooms, being competent, bats and peaches china pattern, drinking Czech pilsner in the motherland

Dislikes: Eating meat, 1970s bathroom design, watering the flowers, gray hairs, doing her own makeup, chaos

Augury: There will be eggs.

Sistre of the Groom – Katherine Hoppe


Duvall Oblivia

Likes: Star Wars, Totoro, animals, drawing anime characters, cosplay, video games, bro priority, giving away the surprise

Dislikes: Gender prejudices, being unhealthy, debt, pastels, getting her lights punched out, eating vegetables

Augury: Cards against humanity.

Sistre of the Groom – Sara Hoppe


Red-breasted Kickyourass

Likes: Crossfit, eating healthy, Robin, burritos, Snapchat filters, Bernarding, emergency sausage

Dislikes: Fake IDs, injustice, evil roommates, Gary, ghosts

Augury: Awkward home videos.


Friend of the Groom – Hugh Engelhoff


Always-In-Your-Face Pretty Eyes McHonkerson

Likes: Not letting anyone get any work done, Coldplay, #2 with a Coke, guns, mountaineering, motorcycles, protein overdoses leading to fumigating his friends

Dislikes: Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be sure to let you know.

Augury: You look like shit today.

Friend of the Groom – Ryan Couture



Likes: Windows Vegas-style Solitaire, aggressive toe pinching, November spring breaks, stroganoff, designated drinking, fresh packs of gum, pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment

Dislikes: Greedo shooting first, La Fors, ain’t having no ice cream, Napster getting shut down

Augury: Sharknado returns.

Friend of the Groom – Chris Williams


Sir Frozen Berries Burnsberry

Likes: Narwhals, kickety stick, messing with his kids, guitar, inventing famous inventors, extreme monkey torture

Dislikes: Sideways houses, doing the dishes, rooms covered in Post-Its, people who confuse pandas and bamboo for koalas and eucalyptus

Augury: Rectum? Damn near killed him!

Friend of the Groom – Josh Browning


Appalachian My-Eyes-Are-Up-Here

Likes: Boobies, the Flash, classic cars, DIY, Affleck in Phantoms, John Cusack, breaking clubs

Dislikes: 7-irons, that damned Loch Ness Monster, McCoys, unpacking, losing Flash balls off the third tee, Monty Phyhon, people who confuse “and” with “as well as,” Steve

Augury: I quit.

Friend of the Groom – Jake Frye


Fuck the System

Likes: Fucking the system.

Dislikes: The system.

Augury: Revolution.

Friend of the Groom – Jake Wagner


Vicious Qunt

Likes: That one dance move he’s good at, live music, Guns N’ Roses, spying on Chamandia’s Netflix account, bears

Dislikes: Other vicious qunts, bad tippers, doing yard work

Augury: Wake up on the porch.


Friend of the Bride and Groom – Nicolas Potter


Day Bird, Fighter of the Night Bird

Likes: Buying drivers, long meandering emails, trivia, soccer, softball, hypothetical scenarios, ball-greediness, dunkaroos

Dislikes: Liking movies other people like, being a 21-and-under chick magnet, losing

Augury: Weeelllll . . .

Friend of the Bride and Groom – Trevor Tomlinson


How’s My Hair Big Bill

Likes: Cooking, travel, tattoos, lounge music, holding doors open for people, older women, Volvos, soccer

Dislikes: Lease agreements, banks, kids these days

Augury: Charcuterie platters.


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